September 2011
1 post
3 tags
Enemies
Cashier: I really like your eyes.
Me: Thanks. Yours are very nice, too.
Cashier: You buy a lot of sandwiches here.
Me: Yeah but not, like, all at once.
Cashier: Always the same sandwich?
Me: I sometimes rotate in a new cheese.
Cashier: Seems boring.
Me: You are.
Cashier: Boring?
Me: We went from best friends to worst enemies in a very short time.
Cashier: $7.35, please.
Me: Enemies.
Cashier: ...
Me: Keep the change. Have a good day!
February 2011
1 post
5 tags
Sorting books and movies in the basement:
Volunteer: Is that Michael Jackson?
Staffer Nic: Nope, that's Fran Lebowitz.
January 2011
3 posts
Mom: When I grow old and you put me in a nursing home, at least bring me fresh flowers every day. I love fresh flowers.
Me: (sips wine)
Mom: And a rum & diet every once in a while. I could use a few of those.
Me: (sips wine)
Mom: Wait! I remember you said you'd never put me in a nursing home.
Me: That's right. I'm going to move you to Provincetown with me and hire a drag queen to take care of you.
Mom: As long as she makes a good rum & diet.
Teaching my brother how to be a responsible adult
Weasle: I'm going to transfer my truck payment to you
Me: Coolio. Consider your money spent on booze, blow and blow jobs. The 3 B's of a life well lived.
5 tags
December 2010
7 posts
5 tags
via When Parents Text
Me: There’s no bacon in the dining hall
Dad: Burn the place down
1 tag
6 tags
Christmas shopping for my "lesbian life partner"...
SalesChick: So have you started Christmas shopping for your partner yet?
Me: Not too much. We're trying to be low key this year we always spend way too much.
SalesChick: Ohhhh. Ewww! You should just get her some of those Uggs slippers!
Me: Yeaahhhhh, you've never met Natalie have you? She's more like Justin Timberlake meets Ellen Degeneres.
SalesChick: Hmm. Well they have some nice loafers in men's shoes?
Me: Now you got it.
4 tags
4 tags
I had this conversation with my dad last night:
Me: I'm a little worried about finding a job, but not too much.
Dad: Well now that we've got some more Republicans in congress, things should start to improve.
Me: OH, COME ON. WHAT A LOAD OF HORSESHIT.
Dad: ...
Me: I mean, I disagree with that.
2 tags
5 tags
Lesbians like musicals too!
avocadosalad:
Me: UGH. God dammit Ryan Murphy. You can’t just give the lesbians Brittana, then take them away and make it seem like they never happened! Kevin: Anna. Glee is a musical show. It’s for gay dudes and straight chicks. They’re the ones that like musicals, not lesbians. You guys like sports, and girls playing guitars. Me: I should probably take down my Spring Awakening poster then…oh...
November 2010
35 posts
6 tags
5 tags
The WB does that to people
Ali: I was up until 3 AM watching "What I Like About You."
Me: What the hell is that?
Ali: It was that old WB sitcom with Amanda Bynes and Jennie Garth from 90210!
Me: You have such terrible taste in things. It makes me question the kind of person I am.
5 tags
6 tags
Love
Ali: I forgot to put my ring on this morning. How are people going to know we're engaged now?
Me: If we're together they'll be able to tell by the heavy sighing.
4 tags
Friend Zone
avocadosalad:
Cass: ♥ That was very sweet of you. Me: It’s what I do. Me: My sweetness brings all the girls to the yard. They’re like “I like you as a friend.” Me: … Me: That wasn’t as catchy as the original song…
6 tags
1 tag
Sinner.
Ali: Here. Do something with this.
Me: Don't hand me something and tell me to do something with it. Because I will.
6 tags
White Whine/White Wine
Me: I had a really hard time choosing dishwasher detergent at Whole Foods...
Wife: Hash Tag "white whine"!
Me: Don't you "hash tag" me in my house!
4 tags
She thinks she's so funny
avocadosalad:
Me: I’m sad. My favorite shirt got ruined.* Erin: Which one of your Star Wars themed shirts got ruined? Me: …the red Calvin and Hobbes/Han and Chewie shirt.
*It’s been repaired. Don’t stress your sweet little nerdy hearts.
5 tags
This auto-correct excuse is going to get me out of...
Me: Wanna come over and do a bunch of cocaine?
Guy: WHAT?
Me: Cocaine?
Guy: No....
Me: Ooohhhh! Haha Damn auto-correct!
Me: I meant to say homework
Me: Not cocaine
Me: DEFINITELY NOT COCAINE.
5 tags
The Bacon Pizza Fiasco
Guy: How could you not like it?
Girl: I just don't!
Me: What are we talking about?
Guy: She doesn't like bacon on her pizza!
Me: EVVVVVVVILLLLLL!
4 tags
3 tags
reasons i love my boss
boss: have you met connie yet?
me: lady with the gay son who owns the saloon? yeah she likes me cause im the token gay, oh wait, now we have new gay.
boss: that dude sucks.
me: he DOES suck! i love you.
3 tags
Don't We All
me: the con ed lady told me to have a nice thanksgiving
is thanksgiving soon
Casey: this month
me: or is she just being cute
about how she comes once a month
Casey: well she wont see you before thanksgiving
me: objectively, is it soon, though?
Casey: well not really
but it is one of the bigger holidays
and its this month
me: its in
16 days
that seems soon?
Casey: ok
so it is soon
me: but it doesnt seem soon at the same time..
Casey: youre being difficult
me: i just want some fucking answers
4 tags
8 tags
So are you goth now?
Mom: I will sign off now, I know that you are working. I will call you Sunday, what time would be best?
James: 4ish?
Mom: Okay, by the way did I tell you I dyed my hair black?
James: nope. when, why, what?
Mom: I love you and will talk to you Sunday around 4 pm
4 tags
teaching my friend 'the game'
him: well, i gave her a call and she didn't answer, so i guess the ball's in her court?
me: what? you GAVE her the ball? HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED BASKETBALL.
him: yeah.
me: what you do is you pretend as though you aren't interested in the game. that way she thinks you're not playing so that she drops the ball, and that's when you grab it. bam, three pointer. you just banged her. YOU'RE WELCOME.
him: dude, i hate all this 'game' bullshit.
me: oh, that's just because you're not good at it yet.
5 tags
Bribes
Friend: We're all doing dinner and a movie tonight!
Me: Ugh. Not me.
Friend: What? Why?
Me: I'm exhausted and cranky.
Friend: What if I give you a vicodin?
Me: *siiiiiiiiiiiiigh* What time?
7 tags
Via Gchat
Mom: Do I have your email address?
James: well, mom, how are you talking to me?
Mom: Okay, stupid question.
6 tags
On new romance...
Mia: so that's going well?
Chachi: yup, really well
Mia: are you in loooooove?
Chachi: I'm incapable of love, I'm dead on the inside from the gin, but I like him quite a bit
4 tags
Tiny Evil Minions
Mil: I noticed you have a really low tone when you speak.
Me: Oh?
Mil: Yeah. You might want to lighten it up when you speak to the kids or they might think you want to control them.
Me: But isn't that the idea we're going for?
6 tags
This week in "How to be a creep":
Older married dude: So what do you do for a living? Are you a stripper?
Me: I work in... what? Why would you say that?
Older married dude: I don't know. Wishful thinking I guess.
4 tags
This following is NOT a serious conversation, I...
Nat: We need to get you a hobby.
Me: A baby?
Nat: No a HOBBY.
Me: Yes, a BABY.
5 tags
Teach me how to effortlessly look a gift horse in...
avocadosalad:
Me: I got us a netflix account, now we can instantly watch thousands of movies and TV shows. Mom: What if I want to watch a new release? God, Anna! You’re so selfish! Me:
4 tags
5 tags
Grammatical Undoing
Molly: You & Robert are the SAME!! Only Robert is gay. And awesome.
Me: wow thanks for saying i'm not awesome. rude.
Molly: No i included you in that.
Me: you said we were the same except robert was gay and awesome. the truth comes out. you secretly hate. me.
Molly: No i just didn't want it to seem like his being gay is something that you are. so i said he's gay. then i was going to say BUT awesome but instead i said AND.
Me: BECAUSE IT'S WHAT YOU TRULY FEEL. :'(
Molly: No! I had no idea one conjunction could do so much damage.
Me: it's done all the damage.
5 tags
On Willow Smith
Catherine: she's so cool
Catherine: she's only 9 and she's cooler than i'll ever be
Vicky: yep
Vicky: granted you are only the offspring of bill and janet
Vicky: not will and jada
5 tags
5 tags
Desire Smells Like That To Some People?
andee: the bathroom in the cafe smelled like penis the other night. I forgot how penis smells. It smells disgusting. Like a combination of lint, smegma and sweat.
kique: WHAT.
kique: that's dirty penis.
kique: straight boy penis.
kique: gay penis no smell like that.
3 tags
Gender Wars
I say: Still procrastinating hey?
Paul says: How do you know whether I'm procrastinating or not?
I say: Well, you're talking to me. Unless you're multi tasking?!
Paul says: I'm a guy! Of course I can't multi task!!
I say: HA! So you are procrastinating!
3 tags
5 tags
Nerdery.
Chris: hi daddy, how are you?
Daddy: good, baby. You?
Chris: good. Here. How's work?
Daddy: you know, baby. Work is here and there. It has it's ups and downs.
Chris: here and there? Up and down? It sounds like, perhaps, you have an instrument that allows you to be in several locations simultaneously. Hmph. So are you busy?
Daddy: I am... somewhat.
Chris: you are... somewhat? So you haven't entirely materialized? Maybe that's because you're spreading yourself so thin being in all those places at once.
Daddy: that must be it.
3 tags
Working Hard
Ryan: speaking of jerking off
Ryan: its lunch time
8 tags
Eavesdropping on Two Ladies Talking About Carl...
Lady #1: Look at him! He's a vampire.
Lady #2: I don't think he's gonna win. He hates gay people! I think he gay hisself.
7 tags
On the phone with my best friend...
Her: Happppppy Biiiiiirthday...What are you doing today?
Me: I'm at work.
Her: Me too.
Me: I'm at work and I'm 31. I can't believe it...
Her: Well now you can just start telling people that you're 39 and they'll be like "Oh my god she looks AMAZING."
Me: That is the best idea you've ever had.
Her: Yeah, well now me and my great ideas have to go serve soup to morons who eat at dive bars for lunch.
August 2010
14 posts
5 tags
Black People Can't Become Pediatricians
me: my parents bought me a stethoscope! its pink!
me: its growing on me
bean: haha
bean: you're a children's doctor
me: psh
me: im not a black person
me: i wanted blue
me: but my mom bought me pink
me: i guess now i kno if someone steals mine
me: it matches my hairband haha
bean: umm
bean: youre being racist
bean: are you saying black people can only become pediatricians because they can't do better?
me: what???
me: OH
me: black stethoscope person
me: not BLACK people person
me: hahahaha
“jenga: I just bought black high (med high) heels to wear with this new cute...”
– while im sipping my grande green tea frappe with extra green tea powder from starbucks (via xinerz)
5 tags
me: How was the show?
Wardlaw: The band was great! The part where people with no pants on read poetry got tiresome though...