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Cashier:
I really like your eyes.
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Me:
Thanks. Yours are very nice, too.
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Cashier:
You buy a lot of sandwiches here.
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Me:
Yeah but not, like, all at once.
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Cashier:
Always the same sandwich?
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Me:
I sometimes rotate in a new cheese.
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Cashier:
Seems boring.
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Me:
You are.
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Cashier:
Boring?
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Me:
We went from best friends to worst enemies in a very short time.
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Cashier:
$7.35, please.
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Me:
Enemies.
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Cashier:
...
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Me:
Keep the change. Have a good day!
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Volunteer:
Is that Michael Jackson?
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Staffer Nic:
Nope, that's Fran Lebowitz.
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Mom:
When I grow old and you put me in a nursing home, at least bring me fresh flowers every day. I love fresh flowers.
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Me:
(sips wine)
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Mom:
And a rum & diet every once in a while. I could use a few of those.
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Me:
(sips wine)
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Mom:
Wait! I remember you said you'd never put me in a nursing home.
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Me:
That's right. I'm going to move you to Provincetown with me and hire a drag queen to take care of you.
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Mom:
As long as she makes a good rum & diet.
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Weasle:
I'm going to transfer my truck payment to you
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Me:
Coolio. Consider your money spent on booze, blow and blow jobs. The 3 B's of a life well lived.
tlbb:
I’m a bit of an asshole to 18 year olds on Grindr…
